Anxiety

I have anxiety. 

I have been an anxious stress ball ever since I can remember and last summer I was finally, officially diagnosed. It was starting to take over my life, and I wasn't a very fun person to be around so I grudgingly talked to a therapist and a doctor. "Situational depression and anxiety" was the verdict.

Anxiety has presented as procrastination in my life. I ignore the things that make me anxious as long as possible and when I say ignore, I mean spend hours of unproductive time on social media sites. I "hide" on Facebook….Pinterest….CafeMom….and the most expensive one, eBay. 

I ignore projects, hobbies, important paperwork, phone calls, bills, supper time, exercise, chores, friends. God.


My kids.


Ouch.

My iPhone doesn't help matters. Not only can I hide in my computer desk upstairs, I can also hide right there on the couch in the midst of bored kids and a disastrous, messy house. Barricaded in my own little bubble until a little finger pokes it hard enough to burst it and release my other form of anxiety…anger. 

The ironic thing about ALL of this is I am ignoring the therapeutic things in my life. When I muster up enough will power to force myself to go out and play baseball with the kids, or go on a walk, or sit down and color with them I feel better. When Chuck pesters and yells at me enough to go to church, I feel better. When I click the little red circle to "x" out of Safari and organize my desk and filing cabinet I feel better. When I put my phone down and clean my house, I FEEL BETTER!!

It should be a no-brainer. 

But, alas, it is not. Along with begin anxious and begin a master procrastinator I'm also an amazing excuse maker! I can justify and rationalize every procrastinating moment and Lord help the husband that tries to call me out. 

Poor guy…

So this is my formal plan of attack: 

Less medication. Mood stabilizers are a great thing, and the prescription has carried me through the last year. However…I need real, raw emotion again. I can't be dulled anymore.

Less Facebook. I'm not going to delete my account or anything because absolutes never work for me like they do my husband. I never have been a quitter! (Thank God I never started smoking…) And it's really the best way for me to keep in touch with my friends and family scattered all over the country. I might actually delete the app from my phone though, along with the ridiculous game apps.

Less pinning and more doing! With 6,718 pins currently…I think I can safely say I have got enough projects and recipes to last me a lifetime. 

More saying "Yes!" to my kids. You want to make cookies? YES! You want to paint? YES! You want to go to the park? YES! You want to help stir the pancakes? YES! You want to sing the alphabet song 382 times? YES!

More outdoors (WHY is this even an issue?!) I live in God's Country, Heaven on earth, the mecca of the Outdoor Sportsman. More fishing, camping, hunting, hiking, exploring, riding, nature.

More music. iTunes is sorely underused on my computer! 

More creating. Sewing, crocheting, writing, building. 

More Bible. More praying. More church. 

This is also my formal apology to anyone and everyone that has been negatively impacted by my stupid anxiety: 

I'm sorry husband. But I know you forgive me on a daily basis because you love me. I love you for loving me, and putting up with me, and wanting me to be happy. Thank you for this life we've built. 

I'm sorry beautiful children of mine. I know your amazing, pure, little hearts also forgive me on an hourly basis because you love your momma. You are the reason I even have the desire to make these changes! Thank you for being my babies.

I'm sorry friends. You've stuck with me for so long. Some of you for years. Lifetimes even. I know you forgive me because you're still here! Thank you for being the shoulders, the sounding boards for my rants, the voice of reason. Thank you for the loyalty. 

I am sorry God. Your forgiveness is unparalleled. Just thank you.